Manga Popart Butterfly

Manga Popart Butterfly

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Dear Universe:

My life makes the Biblical Job's life
& catastrophes look like a comedy.

Why me?

I am a shattered vase
violently thrown to a brick floor,
on my naked knees, bleeding,
my fingers & knees crimson---
trying desperately to gather the
shards of my existence and
glue it back together.

It's not working.

I wake in violent pain, emotional,
physical and spiritual---every
weary, endless fucking night. 
Nightmares of my
death by his hand haunt me.
I wake in a cold sweat.
Auditory hallucinations
plague the nights.
Sleep is hopeless.

There is no adjective capable of
describing the depths of my
weariness.  I'm tired, dead tired.

I've never been this alone or unloved.
My family has deserted me.
It's like I'm dead, but I'm not.

He walked out on me.
He almost strangled me to death.
He punched, beat, & pulled a monstrous
knife on me.
He forced sex on me for months;
I am emotionally wounded beyond repair,
suffering severe PTSD...yet I feel
punished. 
It's like he killed me that day...
I wish he had.

I'm so, so tired---
almost too tired
to live.

January, 2018


Saturday, December 2, 2017

Dear Universe:

Why me?  Why now?
How much loss can one heart stand
before ending it all: the pain & loneliness?
Why?  Why my fucking cats, for fuck's sake?
You took 2 of my cats from me!  WTF is that about?

Nobody wants an older woman.
Nobody even sees me.
I am a ghost in an invisible house.
No one sees me no matter where I go.
It's a painful thing, to be here but not...

I may as well be dead.

Why am I still alive?

December, 2017

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Dear Autumn:

I was mowing the front yard,
one-fourth at a time, when
the pain forced me to rest.
Upon finishing a row,
one bright red leaf
fell on the sweetly-scented grass

and there you were:
welcome!

9/6/17

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Dear Diary,

Do not ever forget this horrendous day.

6/3/17

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Dear Diary,

Today:

Delicate purple striped blossoms
on strong, slender stalks,
soon to become indigo eggplants;
a bee in a sunshine yellow squash blossom,
bee-yellow, drenched in pollen; a royal violet Morning Glory,
it's tiny godlight shining brightly;
my garden, wild(!), wild(!) with new growth;
tomatoes, peppers, squash and beans...beans(!)

I tell you

it is all too much, too much---

May, you fertile, fecund bitch,
thank you, thank you, thank you!

5/31/17